It has been quite a while since I have written anything. Life got busy and I had major neck surgery. I am looking forward next week to getting out of this neck collar. It has been hard, but the hardest thing I have had to deal with is my daughter’s pain.
Over the summer we located her birth mother and she had her first of many conversations with this woman. She discovered she has sisters, two children that this woman kept, and a brother that this woman gave up for adoption as well. She talked to her sisters, she talked to her birth mother. The brother she may never meet although the universe decides these things.
After months of this woman telling my daughter that she loves her, can’t wait to meet her, wants to be a part of her life etc., she bailed. She talked to me on the phone and said she had just been leading my daughter on, she has no room in her life for her, that there was a reason why she gave the kids up, and that she does not want to hear from her again. And I had to break that news to my daughter who was, of course, devastated.
I held this sweet girl in my arms the best I could with a neck collar while she cried. And it has been about two weeks and she has easier and harder times with it. I’m thankful that I never took her to meet this woman as I think it would have made it even harder for her.
The cruelty of what this woman did is beyond my comprehension. And I know it would not offer my daughter any comfort to tell her that while she feels some sort of connection because this woman gave birth to her, this woman does not think of her as her child. And she is not her child, she is my daughter. I brought her home from the NICU with her twin brother and they have been mine ever since. I have cared for them when they were sick, looked after their every need, played with them, taught them, and most of all loved them.
My life has not been easy at least in childhood and my relationship with my parents was hard and I was on my own very young. But nothing in my life has been harder than walking my daughter through this devastation. I have cried more in the last two weeks than the last ten years. There is just something about being helpless in the face of her pain – I could not stop what happened and I can’t put a bandaid on it.
I also think that when your child goes through something it brings up things for the parent about their own childhood. So its twice the pain. But also twice the opportunity to heal.
I let my daughter watch me cry. I also let her see me do my own work on myself. And this sweet 14 year old girl has a brother who struggles to understand things so he would keep talking about it trying to understand that my daughter was not going to have a relationship with this woman. When I was about to ask him to stop talking about it and that he and I would talk later, my little girl looked and me and said “it is ok mom. If I don’t hear and talk about the reality of it then I won’t accept it.”
So over the last two weeks there have been tears, therapy, more tears. But my girl is smart. She decided to explore what she actually likes doing for fun, what brings her joy, and to do more of those things. She is starting to cook, to draw, and wants to learn to play the drums (I promised her a drum set). So she talks about her sadness and anger but also holds space for the fact that something might shift in the future. She refuses to say or hear anything unkind about this woman. And my heart breaks a little every time she says maybe she will try again in a year or two. But I know that she has her own path that she has to follow and it is not for me to say. My job is to love and support and protect her the best I can. But about this, it is her path.
It just took me aback at how much pain I experienced over her pain and how much it brought up for me. And that I know is my work.
Life can be complicated.