Speaking my truth and trying to let go….

It is surprising to me that it has been nearly a year since I have written anything here.  So much has happened.  Now we are planning a relocation, selling real estate to make so we can be less encumbered, giving away things we no longer us, etc.  So many details.  I have also been thinking about the emotional things I have to clean up as part of the overall process of downsizing.  It’s like I’m downsizing emotionally too at this point in my life.

One of the big things that I have struggled to let go of occurred between people I used to consider friends.  I have sat with this quite a bit lately trying to figure out why this thing has been harder for me to let go than other things.  By comparison, I had a therapist for the last five years with whom I had a significant trust relationship.  He was not in truth or integrity about something and this impacted me, several of my friends, and a greater community.  But I have no anger, no sense of betrayal, so resentment…. Instead, while I ended that therapeutic relationship, I have only compassion for him and those of us who were effected.  It was enormously hard for a while but I moved through it with relative speed.

So I have compared this experience to another trying to figure out what the difference has been, what had made me able to truly let go of one but not the other.  After much contemplation, I have concluded that it was because in the situation with this therapist, I spoke my truth – to him, to other people in the community, to my friends, and anyone else involved in this event and community.  And the process of speaking my truth enabled me to let go.  With this other situation I have never done that.  I can’t directly speak to these people and history has taught me that they are not open to an honest conversation that would lead to resolution.  And recently they relocated to Israel which makes a meeting very unlikely.

By way of history, my husband and I used to be friends with Michael Gutman (“Michael) and Yahel Gutman (“Yahel”)- or at least we thought we were friends.  We took them to our house in VT, we had holiday and other meals together, we went to the same synagogue, our children played together.  All the things that friends do together.

At one point Michael and Yahel approached us to invest in an urgent care center – New England Urgent Care – at this point just an idea.  We talked about providing seed money along with a few people other people.  This would be in addition to a small business loan and perhaps other things although I do not recall specifically.  Then one day Michael came to our house and told me that if he did not have a check for $100,000 from us that day that he would lose the small business loan.  We trusted him.  And on a handshake I wrote that check without the paperwork being done yet.

Michael went through a few attorneys who were not competent, in my opinion, and there were significant delays in getting the paperwork done.  There was much to negotiate.  During all this time I was in massive struggle in my life.  I had severe depression and was extremely suicidal often.  I was being treated by a psychiatrist who had me on about 11 different medications which significantly altered my ability to cognitively and emotionally function in life at the time.  Michael was one of the doctors (both at the urgent care center and St. Francis) who treated me, sometimes directly and sometimes tangentially, when I was suicidal and/or had done something to hurt myself.  Because of this role he played he knew what medications I was taking and my mental status.  It was during this time that he hired a different attorney and the documents were finally done.  Documents that were signed while I was in this massive distress and my husband was trying to hold things together at home while I could not.  

These documents provide that he is entitled to earn $150,000 per facility as medical director.  As of this writing, there are four locations for New England Urgent Care of which I am aware so this would be $600,000 per year.  Yahel is or has been highly paid as some kind of clinical director.  An awful lot of money for a small business.  My husband is an attorney in CT and I used to practice law in Ohio – so we are educated people.  However, we were individuals, a couple, and a family in distress.  The timing is quite coincidental.  Did Michael take advantage of my mental health condition at the time?  I don’t know.  I may never know.  It is impossible to know someone’s inner intentions.  I’m sure he would deny anything of the kind.  I believe though that he had so much knowledge of my mental heal crisis and medications as one of the doctors treating me that consciously or unconsciously it was a factor.  I am at least suspicious that he relied on this information and our general trust of them as friends to get agreements done that contain provisions that in a better mental state I would not have agreed to.  And his actions post signing of the documents has created an even greater sense of mistrust of Michael and Yahel.

I think my mental health history is part of why I have been reluctant to deal with this issue.  Why I have not been willing to talk about it, address this business with Michael and Yahel.  I did not trust Michael to observe privacy laws.  I have personally known him to violate HIPPA.  For example, when I was co-president of the synagogue a young woman made vague claims against the rabbi of misconduct.  As co-president of the synagogue at the time, I am aware of what investigative measures were taken and the conversations with the Board of Directors.  During the investigation, Michael told me that this woman was a patient at the urgent care center and that she had mental health issues.  Information which I did not ask for, was not entitled to, and to which I’m certain this woman did not consent to have provided to me.  And that is only one example.  I know that Yahel was often working to get Michael in compliance with privacy laws.  He would start to tell us something about someone and she would stop him in conversation.  I don’t have any information about how compliant he is several years later.  But because I have witnessed non-compliance with privacy laws by him, I do not have any faith that he would protect my privacy as a patient.  And to be clear, I do not consent to his divulging any of my medical information to which he was privy and if such disclosure were to occur I would seek all legal remedies available to me.  While I have been quite recovered mentally and emotionally for some time – having fired the psychiatrist that was so overmedicating me, taken myself off all of the medications, and getting proper and effective therapy over the last several years.  I am no longer willing to live in this mental health oppression that says don’t talk about it, people with think poorly of you type of thing.  I just don’t care much what people think.  I’m doing well, better than I ever have done and without the absurd amounts of medications.  So I won’t be silent over it.  The specifics of my struggle are private and should remain so unless I choose to tell my story.  

In any event, the documents were signed.  During the time before and after the signing, my husband did a significant amount of the real estate legal work for the urgent care centers the details of which I do not know, but it was talked about openly among Michael, Yahel, my husband and myself that he was doing this work.  And it was a lot of work.  Which made Michael’s statements that he built the urgent care centers all on his own even more offensive.  If it was true that Michael was going to lose the small business loan unless we gave him an immediate check for $100,000 and my husband provided so much real estate legal work, then he did not build the centers on his own.  I take nothing away from Michael or Yahel in the hard work they put in to build up the centers.  But neither am I willing to say he or they did it themselves; it just isn’t true.  After a time, my husband wanted a return on the investment.  And so did I.  Our logic was that it was not right for Michale and Yahel to pull out so much money as salary and then claim that no dividends were going to be declared because there were no profits.  They began paying us a few thousand a month for a time.  It was our understanding that they wanted to do this and call it legal fees because they did not want dividends and then have to pay any other investor.  I was not involved in the actual conversations so I don’t know for sure what the reasoning was.  Part of these conversations occurred with Brian Lichtenstein, who was the bookkeeper for Michael.  We had had several meetings with him and Michale and Yahel at Brian’s office.  

It was then that the relationship fell apart.  Michael stated to my husband he was upset that Brian was brought into the conversation.  My husband was surprised because it was Michael that set up meetings with Brian to discuss financials in the past.  It was this that was stated by Michael and the reason that we were not friends anymore.  It offended him.  Of course our perception of the hubris and greed demonstrated by the Gutmans was also offensive.  The bottom line, we were hurt in addition to the business issues described here.  We thought we were friends.  We could not understand why it could not be resolved.  Greed was the only answer we could speculate would cause such a rift.  It was never all that clear to us and all we could do was speculate as to their motivations.  But is sure did bring home that one should never mix money and friendship.  And we did that despite our training otherwise, despite society statements that these things will always go wrong.  We did it out of misplaced trust.

After this we had one meeting where they offered to buy us out.  For a figure we did not find acceptable.  During the meeting, Michael kept insisting the value was set at the number of locations currently open.  But that denies the very concept of seed money.  Also, we found his position suspect when it seemed that they were breaking ground on another location – a fact which we found out later that he did not disclose.  But that was a small issue really.  What was really telling was that during this meeting Michael made what I perceived to be an implicit threat to bring up private medical information of which he was aware.  So it was an ugly meeting.  I have not spoken to them since.

Michael and Yahel have relocated to Israel.  Michael is still listed as the medical director of the urgent care.  How the law can provide that electronic supervision of PAs when the medical director is living in another country is sufficient is perplexing.  But not an issue I am addressing here.

So, will this help me let it go?  Speaking the truth and shedding the mental health oppression and being willing to acknowledge my previous mental health issues is certainly important.  One should not have a mental health issue used as a threat, explicit or implicit, in any business dealing.  It is not part of the business agreements.

But I don’t have any expectation of return of the money invested.  I have no reason to believe that Michael and Yahel are going to sell the urgent care centers.  I can’t imagine why they would if he can draw the medical director salary while living in another county.  And at this point, it is not even about the money.  It did not really make a difference in our lifestyle.  I can’t imagine even speaking to them again especially now that they live in Israel.  The one attempt my husband made to attempt to open up a conversation of reconciliation received no response.

On the other hand, just the energetic shedding of the silence that stems from fear is releasing.  Speaking my truth is important.  It is healthy.  And I am no longer afraid to stand in my truth against anyone.  It is fighting for myself rather than against anyone else.  And unless and until something resolves with the Gutmans, this is my truth.

Finally, to be clear, nothing herein is a statement about the urgent care centers themselves or the quality of services they provide.  I have not been there in a number of years and have no knowledge positive or negative about the quality of services or how business is conducted there.  Comment on the quality or integrity of services there is not within the purview of this writing.

Just truth.  Freedom.  Letting go by speaking, or in this case writing, the truth of my experience, my perceptions.  The facts are what they are.  Determining meaning in them is a mind exercise.  I’m less and less interested in the why of things and more and more interested in letting go of what I cannot change.  I’m interested in still believing in the general goodness of people and not letting the low vibration behavior of anyone affecting my belief that people are good for the most part.  Suspicion from one thing should not bleed into affairs with other people.  Because people are good.  There are people who can be trusted.  

So, what will come of this?  Probably nothing in terms of the business or the lost friendship.  I doubt they will ever read it.  Definitely something in terms of letting it go in the most absolute way mentally and emotionally.  Putting this in the slightly public forum of this blog gets me to a place of really being unafriad to speak my truth.  Really stepping into freedom from the mental health oppression that among other things made me afraid to talk about how it used to be for me.  Which in reality clearly only made me more vulnerable to people’s agendas. I like my newish freedom.

Accepting Limits and Letting Go

I have never been all that accepting of limits and the things I have let go of generally have claw marks on them.  A friend once told me that my issues with authority were so severe that if I were dictator of the world I would stage a coup d’etat.  I once looked backed and saw how much of my life was set up so that no one could tell me know.  I had a lot of attitude and very little trust in others – a product likely of being on my own at such a young age.

But even as a grown adult now, there are few areas in my life where someone other than me sets the limits so when I bump up against a limit I really struggle.

Six and a half weeks ago I had major neck surgery – they cut out a section of four vertebrea in the cervical spine and put in two rods to hold my neck together.  This happened while I was in the middle of my 300 yoga teacher training with a very busy schedule of training, teaching 4 classes a week, two kids and just life happening.

At first I did not want to put teacher training on hold and wanted to miss as few days as possible and was working a plan to make up the time I would have to miss as quickly as possible.  Post surgery in a hard collar life started to change.  I could barely life my arms up to wash my hair.  I was not allowed to drive.  And was in too much pain to do much of anything.  Thankfully I had a strong community, sangha, that organized visits and taking me out so that I would not be too lonely or bored.  My surgeon cleared me to go back to training provided I did no asana.  I went for one day and was in so much pain that night and the next day.  Then I started dreading going back.

I have learned things in yoga.  One is called ahimsa.  Non-violence.  Compassion to self and others.  The other was non-grasping or clinging to things.  I sat with this for a few days and contacted the head of my teacher training and let her know that I would not be able to finish this year.  They are letting me suspend training and pick it up where I left off at no additional cost.  Very kind and gracious.  But it was a big letting go.  I could hear myself saying “I am not a quitter!!”  But then I could hear the quiet little voice saying – ahimsa, compassion.

But there was also the limits my body has set.  I could not drive for six weeks and had to depend on others for pretty much everything.  Hard.  I have a great and kind sangha but I struggle still with trusting that they will be there.  And the limits my body sets every day. That I can only walk slowly right now until my neck heals rather than do all that yoga.  That I can teach yoga now but I had to become practiced at teaching with more verbal instruction/assists and less demonstration.

Everything as I age – I will be 50 this year – is a new limit.  A new opportunity – welcome or not, to let go.  Its hard.  But the moment I let go is the moment that I get peace.  So that I can be happy for my fellow trainees who will finish this year without resentment or bitterness – which would have been a thing for me in the past.  And every yoga pose as I slowly start to do them will be learning what my new limits are and offer me an opportunity to meet myself with ahimsa rather than aggressively pushing through something to potential further injury.

And finally, as I age so do my children and there is big letting go there.  I no longer dictate all parts of their lives and have to let them figure some things out themselves.  Let them make their own choices even if it is not a choice I would make.  With guidance for sure but there are more and more areas where we talk things through and then I let them make their own choices.  Its interesting to watch the progression.  And the progress I make all the time in more easily and quickly, accepting limits and letting go.

As they say, let go and let God.  Surrender.

I Sent You Nothing But Angels

Such a hard thing to remember – that God sent us nothing but angels to help us experience Who We Are in this lifetime.

I was reading Walsch’s children’s book The Little Soul and the Sun and in this book God tells the little soul who wants to have a body so it can experience itself as the One Who Forgives to remember that God sent him nothing but angels to help him.  The point of it is that even the people who come and do things that are hard or that we call bad are doing it not because they are bad but because they have agreed to lower their vibration to allow them to do this thing so that we can experience ourselves the way in which we came into this lifetime to experience ourselves.

The language gets a little convoluted in explaining this but the statement – I have sent you nothing but angels – keeps coming into my mind.  Perhaps because there are people in my life with whom I am struggling.  Marriage is hard.  Friends who are no longer friends can be hard.  The things that people do that can be hurtful are hard.  The lying.  The cheating.  The stealing.  The self absorption.  The unkindness.  We encounter these things throughout our days and lifetimes to varying degrees.  The question for me is to how to let this stuff go and not sit in disappointment, anger, resentment – whatever the feeling is.  For me, the feeling I struggle with the most is disappointment.

But I read this book and the statement I have sent you nothing but angles keeps coming to mind and it is helping me to release some things I have been holding onto from my childhood, broken relationships etc.  To know that perhaps we agreed that this person would do something that would allow me to experience myself as a person who forgives. Or a person who is kind.  And then likewise, that I have agreed to do things that my mind would judge to be bad in order to help someone else on their journey.

I’m not sure what the Truth is.  I do know that it feels better to believe that God has sent me nothing but angels.  I am learning to forgive other souls. I am learning to forgive myself.

Mommy and Me at Playlist Live: The Aftermath

Watching them grow up is often a struggle for me.  My daughter’s excitement about coming to this event was infectious and at times extreme.  So it is no wonder that she experienced some disappointment; she had built it up in her mind to be something so spectacular that it was bound to disappoint in some way.

She is at an age now where the presence of her friends is part of what she needs.  It was nice to be here for her, but it would have been nicer had she brought a friend.  Someone with whom she could share her excitement and disappointment.  She could tell me about it and we can process it but that is not the same as being with someone who shares those feelings.

Indeed, the event was a disappointment in many ways.  She did not get to meet the people that she wanted to meet.  There was not much to do all day except walk around among the perhaps 15,000 people here hoping to meet someone she admires.  And the noise was incredible.  It seemed very much like watching a trailer for a movie that is really funny and then going to the movie and realizing that the only good part of the movie was the trailer.

I found the event fascinating in many ways.  So many young people in one place without any trouble going on.  I did not see any evidence of drinking, drugs, not even much profanity.  They were genuinely well behaved and often quite kind.  There were very young people giving out free hugs, songs, dance, and discussions on things such as bullying, body image, self expression.  And music that seems to appeal to this younger crowd more than it does me.  There were some with shirts expressing ideas that were troublesome (like the shirt that said “dead girls can’t say no”).  But overall I was really impressed with these young people.  That, however, did not make the event enjoyable for my daughter.

Throughout the day I watched her go from excitement and joy to sadness and disappointment and back again.  It was hard.  As the mom there is a huge part of me that wanted to step in and make everything better.  And there were times where I tried to do that.  There were also times where I felt I needed to let her be in the struggle, let her just experience being sad, overwhelmed, and disappointed.

We spent quite a bit of time throughout this long day processing her emotions.  She came to a point where she was able to understand that it did not serve her to be overly attached to having something happen, having a particular person being here for her to meet.  She understands the pitfalls of letting her excitement run away with her.  The need to reality check her expectations.  We called it a learning experience.  She had more independence here than  I have ever given her at an event.  I did not hover constantly although I was constantly in the venue watching over her perhaps without her knowing or sensing that all the time.

So quickly she will be an adult making all her own choices and I have to give her some time to start doing that where I can guide the process and be there to help her understand what went wrong and why and what went right and why.  But she needs to have her journey, not the journey that I want her to have but the one that is authentically her own.  I find my daughter to be a fascinating young woman and while it can be painful at times to let go and watch her struggle, it is necessary to do so.  With kindness, with compassion, with support, with immense love, I know she can face anything.